feminism and Dating

So many people have totally misunderstood the term “feminism”. It is more worrying when a fellow woman says she is “anti-feminist”. Do realise that she does not say this merely because she is but because she has misunderstood the term. Same applies to certain men. They don’t acknowledge feminism because they think women are in a riot of taking their tittle. They forget that there are two sides on a coin. If we have patriarchy then allow the existence of feminism too. It can only be that fair. Failure to have this means failing to acknowledge and implement “equality”

It is hard for a strong independent woman to have a partner that is not intimidated by her power. Even studies have proven that. This exists more in black society. The root of this problem is ” culture”. Laws get amended and some gets ceased time and again but it seems like culture,which is often referred to as “tradition” will never come to that level. I often hear people say “..because it is our tradition” when I question certain things. It appears more to me as a “system”. Something that is designed  to remain a certain way without being questioned.

Women are getting tired of assuring men that they are not in this feminism circle to steal their tittle. They are getting tired of having to keep up with men who always nurse their patriarchal ego by stepping on their toes. Why is it difficult for men to know and actually believe that she can be a hard working badass woman at work and still come home to be a down to earth obedient partner?

So many people have mistaken feminism as “hate towards men”. Feminists don’t hate men. They actually do love men. Some men believe that a woman does not have to work. They believe that her office is a kitchen. They believe that her work is to bath kids and make sure they eat. Do believe me that one of those kids is a man. Her man. He has to eat too. His clothes must always be ready and clean. Its weird how she is also expected to nurse him in the bedroom. Not because she is in a mood but because she has to take care of her partner.

What if he believed that his woman can actually work and come home to do all these chores with him helping her? What if he believed that he can bath the kids while she is cooking or vise versa? What if he happened to get it when she says “babe today I am tired so can we just cuddle”? What if he believed that she is not the only one who has to strip down and provide satisfaction? What if he believed that sex was made for two and he must provide satisfaction too?What if he believed that she can earn more that him and have no problem? As long as she is obedient about it? What if he knew that even if she is a boss at work,she can still come home and give him a space to be a leader of the house.Not because she can’t be one but because she respects him enough to allow him to be her leader?

What if men stopped using pick up lines like ” I am the one you saw driving this car the other day,I am a director of this firm and I saw you so I ….,my friend who owns this and that wants to speak to you,hey babe this is my friend. The one I said drives this and that”? To be honest this introduction annoys some women.Most feminists are actually attracted by a hardworking man’s struggles. If you have been wondering why your rich lines have not been working on certain women then you got the answer. It is because your are marketing yourself with something that they probably have. You can actually date her without attaching your price tags as a marketing tool.

People need to know that feminism and dating does not contradict or oppose each other. It is up two people to make it work. Same goes to those women who claims they are anti-feminists. They call themselves with this tittle because they settle for what they are given by men. They use this tittle because they are lazy. I don’t have a problem with women who have decided not to work. It’s their decision. They should know that he will get tired of splitting his salary with her when she is not bringing anything to the table. He will get tired if being asked ” why is the table empty” when he is the one who bought that table. I have seen women stay in abusive relationships and marriages just because the abuser is a provider.These women often sugarcoat this abuse by saying ” I am staying only because of our kids” or ” I love him”. They would not be thinking this way if they were feminists.

It’s OK to be a feminist and its super great to date one. Bob Marley once said “emancipate yourself from mental slavery. Non but ourselves can free our minds”. Having quoted that, it is clear that an opposition of feminism and dating can be put to end only if men and women started to nod to the existence of feminism just  as much as they do to patriarchy.


Dear my hair by Tebogo Phakedi

Looking at you now, I remember how we all grew together. The sad good part is that I was cutting you along the way only because I could not understand the measure and solidness of you. I remember how mom used to cut you off and turned you in to curls that were cut shortly, well it was kind of cool because that cost her only R20.00.I was little to understand that you were worth more than that.

I look at you now and beat myself up for using chemicals that are always praised and called relaxers to make you look softer and longer, well I hope you did not blame me because I did not know that I could still rock you hard and thick. Was it you punishing me when you got growth few weeks after I relaxed you? Well I guess so but can we laughably agree that I took a good care of you? I was the “it girl” rocking a soft “lephondo” everyday at school, knowing very well that you will only mate with hairpiece during December, three days before Christmas. Gone are those days J.I always jumped excitedly knowing very well that I will be whipping you on braids while I am wearing new clothes and of course wait for the 1st of January to do that again.

I am playing with my dreadlocks now and I can feel the connection. It’s a soulful thing. I will never regret the day I took off all my hair two years ago and decided to go natural. I guess I finally accepted who I was and held you tight just to start this journey together. I could not be afraid of cutting my hair off anymore. I went bald just to start all over again and it was a dearly conscious decision that I had to do alone. I gave the same person who used to take me to salon the responsibility of taking the ruined chemical hair out and release me from prison.

Few months after feeding my soul and my Rastafarian thoughts in to my natural hair, my hairdresser finally locked you and I can never be proud of myself like that. I am sorry for not understanding that you were worth more than the money I spent at the salon. All I had to do was to spend none and just go natural because at the end it was never about the money. People need to understand that their hair is a big deal and I have learned that too. You have increased the Africanism and consciousness that is within me. I don’t see myself blazing happily on weaves because I know many women  wear them not because they are exquisite but because they cannot stand owning up to their hair. It is very wrong for an African Woman to feel naked with her hair. That is being a mental prisoner.

Thank you for growing all over again. I look at you everyday and realize how beautiful you make me look and feel. My beautiful big chicks gravelly stands out and smile at you. My hairdresser tenderly seduces you and my dear he loves doing that. He loves his job and I know he is taking you serious. I will never hair dry you and you will never feel the heat of a relaxer ever again.

Is it because I am a Woman by Tebogo Phakedi

I literally looked at my screen for 15 minutes before I could write this.Not because it is difficult but because I am questioning women who are anti-feminists.I believe that one of the aptitudes that a feminist must have is the ability to allow other women be and do things that a feminist would not necessarily make but let me tell you one thing,IT IS DIFFICULT.Especially at work.It is difficult to keep up with the patriarchal system.It is very difficult to allow yourself to be under looked by men.It is difficult to be called beautiful yet not respected as a fellow colleague.I believe that women have potential and that is the most important thing right?The potential to be you and the potential to work yourself off to have a better life.Is it a must to wait for him to fill up your bank account?Is it necessary for you to be under his shadow just because he is a man?Is it necessary to listen to his orders even when they torn your work or even your morals?If you have answered yes then I wish I could have your heart fellow woman.A heart that does not bleed when told that “you will do that when I say so”,a heart that does not bleed when you are expected to leave your work and run to please him or run to work for him.I am often told that I take things by heart and that is being unprofessional.The fact that culture has ruined the minds of those who cant keep up with a hunting Lionesses.They(somehow) even think that a Lioness is being unprofessional for hunting.

I once heard a man say he does not want a working wife and I humouredly ended up thinking maybe that was the reason why he was still single at the age of 39.At least he still had hope that he would find a mate.He had this weird way of expressing how women are supposed to work at home,feed,bath and take the children to school.Allow me to say he also wants to be fed and immersed too.The question that I asked myself is that was he aware that women of the past had offices too?Those offices were regarded as farms.Now am I not supposed to work just because I am a woman?No thank you Sir but the economy is not doing well at the moment so if you dont want that woman then get out of here.

I remember the tears that extremely wet my pillow the other day after knocking off.I was at work and had to call this other busy man(He described himself as a busy man as if we aint busy ourselves) for a meeting.A man of status.A man who was respected by many.Picking up his phone,I told him everything that he wanted to know about my meeting with him and my fellow colleagues,guess what did he say?He said he was busy and I must try him tomorrow.Well that wont make you cry right?I know.Then this is what happened,my fellow male colleague picked up the phone and told him exactly what I just said,then kabooom our meeting with him was set.That really hurt and I cried a lot that night.Was it something that I said or was it just because I AM A WOMAN?Little did he know that I was the one to decide the following day if we acknowledge is proposal or not.

The moral of the story here is that being a woman and trying to climb the ladder is hard but at the end of the day we have to.Unless if our gender is checked over on whether we do the work or not,people should not bring it up.Especially if it is about whether we have the “capabilities” of doing the job.It should be whether people can do the job,not whether women can.Anti-Feminists and Traditionalist wont agree with me but truth of the matter is that women are now participating gracefully on growing the economy of the country/global.It should not be about whether she has boobs,Ass or lack an elongated clit.It must be about the potencial.